Friday, February 4, 2022

Bike Decathlon: It's the New Gravel Triathlon

Have I written any kind of real update here in months? No. Does what I'm about to write fit with the themes of any of my previous writing? No. I just felt like writing this, and I thought I'd share.


Earlier this afternoon, Frank casually mentioned something about a guy wanting to buy a triathlon bike and a trail bike at the same time. Since I had recently heard that gravel triathlon is now a thing, my mind jumped to the question, "What, is he doing some kind of all bike triathlon or something?" 

Actually, that sounds kind of fun. All you have to do is find a mountain bike trailhead with a 5-6 mile cross country loop, plenty of open grass near the parking to fit a cyclocross course, and pavement leading in and out for the road bike time trial. Oh, and just because you *could* do the entire thing on a cyclocross bike doesn't mean you're allowed to. 

Okay, maybe it's still only fun for the participants, but only if they're very fit people with enough disposable income to afford three bikes. At first, I imagined it would be a logistical nightmare for promoters, but then I thought of at least three locations where an event like this could happen and realized it was more feasible than I initially thought. Plus, just think of how much the very fit people with enough disposable income to afford three bikes would be willing to pay in entry fees for an event that lets them race ALL THREE BIKES IN ONE RACE!!! 

Hey, but I'm not one to kink shame. I recently paid $133.44 to race for 5-10 minutes in Tennessee in February on a bike that I haven't ridden since October and that I probably won't ride until two days before the said race. I'd love to tell you how it's actually totally worth it at some point, but for now, we must focus on the evolution of USA All Bike Multisport®.

But what about us not-so-fit and easily bored people with enough disposable income to afford n+1 bikes? To become a financially sustainable organization, USA All Bike Multisport® must find a way to retain the membership fees of this key demographic, who've tried All Bike Triathon®, but that it doesn't fully represent their skillset. Luckily, when we look to our brethren who govern the sport of Track and Field for precedent, we find the decathlon. Moving the acceptable number of events in a single sport that can become one event to 10 opens up a whole new world of possibilities.

Therefore, as the founder of USA All Bike Multisport®, I present our newest national championship titles: USA All Bike Decathlon National Champion®. Also, as the founder of USA All Bike Multisport®, I'm hoping to finally capture my first stars and stripes jersey as the women's age 42-43 Cat 2 USA All Bike Decathlon National Champion®. 

The USA All Bike Multisport® USA All Bike Decathlon National Championships® will be held September 24, 2023 (pending rain) at Major Taylor Velodrome in Indianapolis, IN. Entry fees are as follows:

Pros: One can of Red Bull

Adults: $1297 

Juniors: $2597 

Obsessive Non-racing Parents of Juniors: $5227 (fee to enter premises)

Cat 2 Women Racing Age 42-43: 1 MILLION DOLLARS

*USA All Bike Multisport® membership required


If you're interested in becoming a USA All Bike Decathlon National Champion®, please register using USA All Bike Multisport®'s propriety registration tool. Remember, the 2011-era UX is paid for with your membership dollars!

 I look forward to seeing you this summer (unless you are a Cat 2 woman racing age 42 or 43)!

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