Small Victories

Progress has slowed, or at least become less noticeable, since my last post. After passing most of the big post-mastectomy milestones in the first couple of weeks, the wins have become smaller, but still important. I’ve started driving myself on short errands around town, and I’ve started doing a few small household chores. I’ve blow-dried my own hair a few times, and even did full hair and make-up to have lunch with a friend yesterday. I was even to get a regular t-shirt and sweater over my head with Frank’s help after three weeks of exclusively wearing his snap-up Sombrio shirts that are way too big for me. I’m basically to the point that I can more or less function as a normal person, but doing so is still incredible difficult and exhausting. I have nine days before I go back to work half-time, so I’m hoping that I’ll be doing better by then.

I’ve been to the gym most days since my last post, and I’m up to walking three miles on the treadmill in about 48 minutes. Yes, I’m still me, so I have to try to go further and/or faster every workout. Because I can’t comfortably swing my arms in race-walker style, or even let them hang loose for long periods of time, it’s a fun challenge to see how fast I can go while still holding on the little HR monitor handles for stability. It requires a lot of concentration to focus on a strong core and quick, precise turnover without bouncing or swinging my arms. After walking, I’m playing around a little bit to see what else I can do, but it’s still not much. Basically, I can do crunches on the incline bench or split squats with no weight. I tried out the belt squat machine today, which I was able to do with Frank there to help load the weight for me.

I also have to steal Frank's full-zip jerseys for the gym to avoid over-the-head clothes.

I think the thing that is surprising me the most at this point is how well I’m doing emotionally. Admittedly, I’ve hit the sweet spot where the really hard/gross/painful part is over and I’m living a life of (slightly immobile) luxury: sleeping 9-10 hours a night, going to the gym at my leisure, and generally not having a lot responsibility. I’m still taking an online class this semester, so I still have to try to muster a couple of hours of concentration every afternoon, but it’s not too bad. I’m a bit worried about how well I’ll handle dragging myself through work with a stiff, awkward, exhausted body that may or may not still fit into most of my work clothes.

However, if I think back on the fact that I literally lost part of myself three weeks ago and how terrified I was beforehand, I’m amazed at how well I’m doing. Maybe I got all of my mourning out before my surgery, because now that the brutal part is over, my feelings about losing my boobs have gone from utter devastation to occasional moderate sadness. I feel occasionally annoyed that my body doesn’t work as well as I want it to, and anxious to get my permanent implants so that I can move on with my life. I’m way more interested in my reconstruction than I imagined I would be, too. Since they’re really just there for looks at this point, I guess I want them to look good, so I’ve spent a lot of the last week staring in the mirror trying to decide if I want that extra 50 ml or not.

I said before my surgery that people learn to be okay with most anything once it’s happened, and that’s been the case for me, as well. Something really terrible happened to me, but I got through it. Now I’m trying to maximize what I’m left with once it’s over (and not just in terms of filling expanders). At this point, I’m really glad that I have shared my feelings of this at every point along the way. As weird as it is, the terrified and devastated me from a few weeks ago and the surprisingly chill me of today are both important parts of my experience. I’m sure there are more hard time to come, but for now I’ll just enjoy my last nine days of freedom.