Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Weddings and Anniversaries

Soon ends our stay here and it's been fun.
So tonight I'll raise my glass to us.
'Cause we've talked so much I think we filled this ashtray twice,
And I'm pretty sure we emptied every bottle in the place...

So let's walk home, let's be afraid.
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard.
Let's do it right, under the streetlight.
I want it now, somehow I forgot how.

Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.
Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.

Those are the words to the song that I sent to Frank one year ago last night. It’s from his favorite band from high school/college that I was only turned on to last summer, being a bit behind him in musical tastes and all. I somehow thought a song about wanting to make out with a stranger would somehow take some of the awkwardness out of my extremely awkward, “you can sleep at my house in one capacity or another” text. Luckily, it all worked out despite the awkwardness, and I still think the song is metaphorically fitting for our relationship on so many levels.

There’s not really any bike-related news this week, because the passing of the Trailmix also meant the transition to wedding season for us. I was hoping that our trip to Illinois this past weekend would feel more like a well-deserved break than it did, but luckily the next wedding weekend trip will be very bike-centric, so hopefully it will prove helpful in getting my mojo back rather than merely distracting me from my lack of it.

Anyway, we spent the weekend traveling to Illinois for the wedding of one of Frank’s friends from his master’s program. It was a fun time and a lovely wedding, mostly highlighted by the fact that it rained more than an inch and the couple had one of those deals where they got the engagement ring for free.

Of course, a side effect of the “wedding season”, if you are young(ish), female, and in love, is the creeping thoughts of how you would do it if it were up to you. Ironically, I read this article on the drive there, and know more than most the downfalls of getting too ahead of yourself or getting caught up in checking getting #engaged and having a wedding off your “to do” list. Regardless, the excitement around these things is undeniable, and I hope that at some point I’ll get another chance at doing these things better than I did the first time around.

To make all of this a lot weirder, I was surprised by the news that my ex got married last weekend. I intuitively suspected that they were already engaged, and my friends all just thought that someone else had told me, or that I didn’t care to know, but stumbling across a friend’s Facebook post that there was a wedding happening that very day was a shock. I desperately wanted to have no feelings about it all or even be so mature as to be happy for them, but there was still some remaining anger and childish jealously that he was “winning” in certain areas. As the one friend with whom I discussed this blatantly put it, “If it were me, I’m sure it bother me because he did it first.” Yeah, kinda, even though that’s a gut feeling rather than a rational one.

The real bummer of this was that it all happened the morning after I found out that Frank would not be sleeping at my house in one capacity or another on the anniversary of our first date. His next teaching session doesn’t start until next week, and his sister, niece, and nephews are visiting at his parents’ house this week, so he is staying in Illinois this week while I was sent back on a plane yesterday since I don’t have that many vacation days at my job yet.

I’m sure to most adults, a one-year boyfriend/girlfriend anniversary sounds silly, since many people surpass that milestone while still in high school. However, for me, this is my first one. Until this point, I’ve never made a year without breaking up with someone, or in one case marrying them. So to me, it was a huge deal to celebrate the healthy growth of our relationship for what it was without excessive rushing.

So that is my conflict in this wedding season, get caught up in the glamour of weddings and sparkly things, or for once in my life, let things happen as they are supposed to and enjoy them as they come. I used to think that getting married was a prerequisite to starting my life, but in my rush, I didn’t do so well in my life after that. My life with Frank has already started and we will continue to build it in the months and years to come. I do hope that it eventually includes a fancy party surrounded by friends and family, but I imagine it more as a celebration of our ongoing commitment to each other rather than a beginning or end to be met. Until then, I want to enjoy the life that we have together and celebrate our less-conspicuous victories before that day and long after.


Also, here are some pictures of me actually riding my bike at the Trailmix.

1 comment:

Frank said...

That's a right-of-passage for modern young adults -- the reaction you get (and how you handle your own reaction) when you discover your ex-spouse remarried.